I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
