I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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