Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
