he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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