Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
