By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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