Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
