Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
