Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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