the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
