I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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