I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
