Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
