I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
not ubering you a puppy
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
