You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
