dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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