i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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