My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
