they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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