i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
