I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
