I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
