i just sent this text using only my big toe
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
