I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
