do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
