the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
