He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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