Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
