I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
