I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
