3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Pooping to opera.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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