ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
