Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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