I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
