Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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