she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
