Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My vagina just recognized that song.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
