I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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