You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
