I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
