god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
