remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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