every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We need to get me chipped asap
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
