I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
