How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
