Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
