I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
