I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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