ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
