Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
