Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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